"When I look at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They were necessary to make you possible." - Jonathan Safran Foer I wrote the post below on a private journal when J and I first started dating, and while I almost never get gushy or mushy on this blog just because I'm not the sort of person who would, J and I are a year old today, and it makes me break out into a silly, goofy grin. I could write something else, but I thought it'd be interesting to put public what I initially wrote to be private. And hey, it's always nice to share the love, right:
"I couldn't even begin to tell you how lonely I was. I went about my daily life like clockwork because it was the only thing I could do without driving myself crazy. I wondered how many people went through their lives this way - heavy-hearted yet empty, surrounded by people yet so painfully lonely. It was like a dead weight I carried around, like a limp third leg that I just couldn't cut off.
It's not like I don't have amazing friends or family - I do. I couldn't help to be envious of friends who have somebody else to love. I have all this love and nowhere to put it. People say you have to love yourself before you can expect someone else to love you, and by golly, I love myself so much it's disgusting. I've spent my whole life in my own company - travelling the world alone, sobbing in an empty cinema in the middle of the day; I'm perfectly comfortable in my own company that there is nothing one could possibly do alone that I already haven't done.
And there were dates. With men. Younger, older - but all so excruciatingly banal. I was not looking for someone to pay my bills for me, I was not looking for an escape from my life, I was not looking for someone to fill up my spare time.
And then when I was least expecting it, one day, there he was. Unassuming, calm and unpretentious. Unlike any guy I've ever dated, he was actually nice. And hot, and intelligent, and funny - checking all the right boxes, basically. I can't read him as well as I can with other people, but I don't quite mind it. He puts a spring in my step and a grin on my face, and well, I'm not so lonely any more. I don't know what's happening, or where this is going, but for now, I like having someone hold my hand. It's nice."
Happy 1st year, J. You make me happy. :o)